MY BOY

He was with me just this morning. Just this morning, I was enclosed in the warm glow that can only be found in his arms. I was safe this morning, I was his and the world was mine. But he's been at the 38,000 feet that bring him to me, the 38,000 feet that take him away again. And now I'm waiting, waiting, waiting till the next time we're together and the world is ours once more.

KEEP HOLDING ONTO ME

HEARTS LIKE ICE CREAMS

Somewhere on a beach almost a year ago, my heart fluttered one last time and then finally melted. It had been frozen solid for as long as I can remember, and though ice may melt at zero degrees, I had been searching for the right temperature in vain. For my heart's melting point was you. And that warm, oh so warm feeling returns every time our eyes meet, every time I find myself back in your arms and close to your heart. I was with you for a week just a little while ago and it was us, melted hearts and all. You complete me, you know? I know I know. Sometimes one does just know.

HOPES AND WISHES

On this night, like on so many before, sleep escapes me. I wish I could take it all back, Blue, I really do. I wish I could take back the day I agreed to be 400 miles away from you, the hour I flew over the channel without you, the minute I tore our world in two, the second I hurt you. I was never really one for tears, but now the flow won't stop, and it's drowning me, this monsoon of sorrow, of guilt, of blame that belongs on no one's shoulders but mine. I'm sorry for everything I said last night. For everything I didn't say today. It's so hard sometimes, but then, you know that better than anyone. My anger stems from longing, from loneliness, from missing you, and not from what you do. I'm sorry I made you think I want you to change. I'm sorry I was cold and mean. I'm sorry I pushed you to a point where you won't say a word to me. I'm drowning, but then, I'm the one who rocked the boat and burnt my life vest. I have no one but myself to blame. All I can do is hope there's still a little dry spot in your heart for me.

ANOTHER CITY

All the lost moments in the days without you, all the minutes that I count going by, one by one by one... They disappear with Brussels on the horizon - another city for us to claim, to make our own. And ours it will be, along with the rest of the world. Tomorrow we forget our shackles. Tomorrow, we get to take in a lung-bursting taste of freedom, the freedom I can only have with you. And tomorrow is on the horizon, and tomorrow another city will be ours and you will be ever-deeper in my heart. Because tomorrow, I will be with you Blue.

SURVIVING

I've been staring at that envelope for a while now. Willing for you to materialise out of the folds of blue paper - it is your colour after all. Instead, I am left holding these snapshots of happiness, some of the best moments of my life, now mockingly flaunting their perfection at me. I don't know if to laugh or cry.

The thing is, when things are hard, they're harder than anything. They rip your heart out and soak it in acid. It hurts. God, it hurts. But still, my heart is a wildcat, it can take it. Because this tigerheart knows it belongs to you, Blue, the only one that can heal the scars of anything bad that ever happens. It knows that its aching comes down to the 400 miles that separate it from you. The only reason everything hurts, kills, is because you are a vital organ to my being. In the meantime, before we can be reconnected, I survive on life support.

But we'll be together soon again. And when we're together, we can't tell our heartbeats apart. And when we're together, the Earth spins for us and no one else.

I love you Blue.

THE BEGINNING

A swinging door, swaying black gowns and a nervous smile. I can still remember the damp smell of summer seeping through the ancient wood of our College. Exams were over and the delirium of freedom was bittersweet, fresh on our lips like the taste of blood, reminding us that we were still alive. We shook hands, strangers, but I was already getting lost in the warmth of those blue spotlights, cast on me with a questioning intensity. Blue they were, Blue he was.

One year and 3 months later, we are closer than ever – despite the 400 miles that separate us. So here’s to the start of something new – a blog of messages of love to the person we most want to be with when we can’t. I love you Blue. And I hate being this far away from you, but I’m always there really. As close as I can be. Always touching your heart the way you touch mine.

Yours forever, Tiger.