I Remember

I remember my Tiger with the sun behind her, laying on the grass, her body next to mine and her long hair falling across my face. I remember the warmth of the setting sun, and her hand in mine, I remember those lips, the happiness of running insider together, doing everything imaginable together, staring at stars, staring at blank pieces of paper, staring at skies, always together. Now we do that apart, but we're together in our hearts, where we always were, the most important place to be together.

MY BOY

He was with me just this morning. Just this morning, I was enclosed in the warm glow that can only be found in his arms. I was safe this morning, I was his and the world was mine. But he's been at the 38,000 feet that bring him to me, the 38,000 feet that take him away again. And now I'm waiting, waiting, waiting till the next time we're together and the world is ours once more.

KEEP HOLDING ONTO ME

HEARTS LIKE ICE CREAMS

Somewhere on a beach almost a year ago, my heart fluttered one last time and then finally melted. It had been frozen solid for as long as I can remember, and though ice may melt at zero degrees, I had been searching for the right temperature in vain. For my heart's melting point was you. And that warm, oh so warm feeling returns every time our eyes meet, every time I find myself back in your arms and close to your heart. I was with you for a week just a little while ago and it was us, melted hearts and all. You complete me, you know? I know I know. Sometimes one does just know.

Tigers

Tigers, like all cats, are sexy, of course, Tigers are the sexiest - the stripes you see. Tigers, like all cats, get scared however, they get caught in the headlights and they bite. Like all cats, when they have nowhere to turn, they can fight like hell. This tiger however isn't like all cats, there's no teeth in her bite, even if she pretends there is, and sometimes blue people feel like they want to get bitten. It's the nature of a blue person. But I know that my Tiger will always float, because I know that behind all those teeth and claws, that fur and growling, is my Tiger, that never bites and that loves me, but sometimes get scared. This is my Tiger, and no one else knows it, but I know this Tiger like no one else, and I know she'd never hurt me. We''ll always be together, and we'll always be happy together, Tiger and Blue.

HOPES AND WISHES

On this night, like on so many before, sleep escapes me. I wish I could take it all back, Blue, I really do. I wish I could take back the day I agreed to be 400 miles away from you, the hour I flew over the channel without you, the minute I tore our world in two, the second I hurt you. I was never really one for tears, but now the flow won't stop, and it's drowning me, this monsoon of sorrow, of guilt, of blame that belongs on no one's shoulders but mine. I'm sorry for everything I said last night. For everything I didn't say today. It's so hard sometimes, but then, you know that better than anyone. My anger stems from longing, from loneliness, from missing you, and not from what you do. I'm sorry I made you think I want you to change. I'm sorry I was cold and mean. I'm sorry I pushed you to a point where you won't say a word to me. I'm drowning, but then, I'm the one who rocked the boat and burnt my life vest. I have no one but myself to blame. All I can do is hope there's still a little dry spot in your heart for me.

ANOTHER CITY

All the lost moments in the days without you, all the minutes that I count going by, one by one by one... They disappear with Brussels on the horizon - another city for us to claim, to make our own. And ours it will be, along with the rest of the world. Tomorrow we forget our shackles. Tomorrow, we get to take in a lung-bursting taste of freedom, the freedom I can only have with you. And tomorrow is on the horizon, and tomorrow another city will be ours and you will be ever-deeper in my heart. Because tomorrow, I will be with you Blue.

Found

Not lost anymore. I can see exactly where I'm going, and tomorrow it's Brussels, maybe next week it will be France, Poitiers, maybe the week after, Prague, maybe we'll meet in Paris, or London, where will we be for New Years? We'll be together, for sure, but tomorrow it's Brussels. I've pulled the hood back now and I can see right where I'm aiming for, on Tuesday the hood will be back on, and I'll be watching my feet, one step at a time, ignoring the passing world, but not Sunday, no, Sunday I get to drink it all it, throw my head back and scream as loud as I like, let the rain or the sun or the moon or the stars fall on my face and be set free, free by that thing we all want. Not internships, not money, not even friends. Love. Clichesclichescliches! It was until the 22nd of June 2011 at least, but now I've found it I'm not wandering, I'm not lost anymore, I know right where I'm aiming for. Her.

<3

Brussels!

Im going to Brussels with my wonder girl o Sunday. Thanks to her creative brilliance, amazing good looks and dazzling smile we've won a seat in the spotlight this weekend at the EU, which hopefully will turn into a summer of interning together in 2013!

Here's how we won...

Light

Tiger writes me an email at 3am. A smile spreads across my face like the explosions of roman candles burning up the dark night. Her love races out across the black blanket, tearing up the dark. The tiny stars at once ignite and the sky is a beautiful bounty of colours, the darkness an inferno in an instant and then all gone so that the sky is filled with brilliant light. Her brilliant light. She is my brilliant light. 'Shine a light into the dark places', that's why we sing Bob Marley to each other when the sky is dark, because we are each other's lights, and the darkness is afraid of us, and everything will be alright whilst we still have each other. I will follow your light for an eternity, for it stops me dashing on the rocks.

Tiger - Our New Year 2012/2

SURVIVING

I've been staring at that envelope for a while now. Willing for you to materialise out of the folds of blue paper - it is your colour after all. Instead, I am left holding these snapshots of happiness, some of the best moments of my life, now mockingly flaunting their perfection at me. I don't know if to laugh or cry.

The thing is, when things are hard, they're harder than anything. They rip your heart out and soak it in acid. It hurts. God, it hurts. But still, my heart is a wildcat, it can take it. Because this tigerheart knows it belongs to you, Blue, the only one that can heal the scars of anything bad that ever happens. It knows that its aching comes down to the 400 miles that separate it from you. The only reason everything hurts, kills, is because you are a vital organ to my being. In the meantime, before we can be reconnected, I survive on life support.

But we'll be together soon again. And when we're together, we can't tell our heartbeats apart. And when we're together, the Earth spins for us and no one else.

I love you Blue.

Her Smile

Right now I'm tapping away at my keyboard, repeatedly flattening the bed-hair that I had taken to lectures with me this morning and thinking of her smile. 

My room's still bare, un-decorated, the beige walls and bare pipes, the unmade bed serving as a constant reminder to myself that here is not where I want to be. I could be packed in two minutes, less even if I had to, I would pack 

The world continues to spint, nothing will change that

The smokey light drift through the windows of my bare room. My unmade bed, messy as if we had just gotten out of it and the undecorated walls 

I can't think of what I want to write here. Probably something that will make you ring me up and say 'I love you', something that can make 400 miles disappear without having to travel 38,000 feet above the sea, something that would have you waking up in my unmade bed as if it was the weekend again, just something that would make everything go away. But I can't write that. What I want to write, what I can write, is that I want you to know is that I'm thinking of you. And I can do that. I want to write something that will make you smile your smile, the one of deep happiness when you know that I love you, the one that makes the world wait around for us for a while. I want to write something that will make you stop and smile in the middle of the street for me.
I have the windows all open for you to fly in any time, and my walls are still bare, as if to say that this is not my home. Around me are scattered notes from the lectures I went to with that bed-hair after a sleepless night, but all that I can read is 'I love you, my lover' and all that I can see is that smile that makes summer jealous.
I love your pictures, I love you new hair, I love your eyes, but right now I'm missing the smile that makes everything okay, Tiger. You can do that for me, you can make everything okay just by smiling at me. Though I don't know what you're doing right now, I don't know where you are, I'm not holding your hand, but smile for me, and maybe it will make you feel better too. Just remember those shooting stars. Smile.

Tiger's Coming Back!

Her smile. Her smile and her eyes, her hands, her touch, her skin, her lips, her legs, her hair, her laugh, her walk, her excitement, her happiness, her everything, wait, my everything are coming back to me tomorrow for three love-filled days on top of the world once again. I will have my Tiger back and the world will smile when it watches us meet and walk and talk and kiss and hold one another again. Im smiling right now. I can't wait for my Tiger back.

September

September was here. The air was cooler and had been blowing strongly for some time now and everything had changed. It felt like after the heady days of the stifling summer heat, going everywhere and doing everything, September had forced us to the surface for air.
It was calm, the breeze was fresh and the month left one with their feet somewhere new. It had left mine firmly on the ground in the family home in the north, a place reserved for dreaming of adventures. But something had changed that September and I wasn't dreaming of adventures anymore, adventures that raced across unknown continents as fast as they traced their way across my ceiling as I would lay in bed, hands behind my head, looking up for inspiration and waiting patiently, had disappeared no mater how patiently I waited. Now I had found my adventure, but when we had surfaced, it had left us alone across the vast expanse of that cold, calm water. I lay in my hollow room with the window wide open, as if to let the old dreams of escape come fluttering in, or maybe to try and tempt my own self out. Whatever it was, my adventure stayed firmly put at an unreachable point.
The air was cooler. It's what you expect in September, but for some reason, I hadn't. It felt like the feeling you get when you gain a few hundred feet in altitude from the stifling valley floor in high summer and find the air much cooler than you might have expected up in the high, lonely expanses; the people too, were much smaller.
Certainly that was how I felt that September. It was the day that I saw the cyclist struggling up the hill on his way back from the station, his calves bulging and his back straining against the weight of himself and his backpack and his bike, all conspiring against him with gravity, that I realised I was now on my own, much like the cyclist.
I say on my own because I wasn't alone, I know that, I had never felt such a connection to another human being before. We were meant for one another. We were like the point when an electric storm sends a bolt crashing to earth and connecting to the ground, or better still, the very point where some force of great energy meets in the sky, sending forth huge sparks and tidal waves of rolling sound. We were hard-wired together, that was for sure, meant to be, but God, we were so far apart. Electricity can jump distances, and if you had ever seen us walking down the street, you would have seen the force we generated, felt the hairs stand up on the back of your neck and probably whispered to yourself something like, 'jeez, I've never seen something like that before.'
We saw on the peoples' faces and we were smug about it, but we flew too close to the sun and, God, electricity can jump, but we were so far apart.
Each of us was trying to keep afloat in the calm waters of that September sea, something so easy when we were together was so difficult apart. No longer were we pieces of driftwood, not caring where we were going, now, under the he placid waters, we were kicking furiously to where we wanted to go.

     Pentax ME Super. 35mm. 

THE BEGINNING

A swinging door, swaying black gowns and a nervous smile. I can still remember the damp smell of summer seeping through the ancient wood of our College. Exams were over and the delirium of freedom was bittersweet, fresh on our lips like the taste of blood, reminding us that we were still alive. We shook hands, strangers, but I was already getting lost in the warmth of those blue spotlights, cast on me with a questioning intensity. Blue they were, Blue he was.

One year and 3 months later, we are closer than ever – despite the 400 miles that separate us. So here’s to the start of something new – a blog of messages of love to the person we most want to be with when we can’t. I love you Blue. And I hate being this far away from you, but I’m always there really. As close as I can be. Always touching your heart the way you touch mine.

Yours forever, Tiger.